Today I am taking on board my good friend Paul's suggestion to write an essay about what I did on holiday. I am looking forward to the challenge and for your added interest and essay viewing experience, I shall write about not one, but as many of my holidays as I can remember.
It would seem prudent to begin this assignment the way one would start a CV and the judging of a beauty pageant - in reverse order. ( By the way, a quick aside. I found out today there is a 'Miss Liverpool' contest. Do you think I should enter? )
So I will tell you about my most recent holiday, which was a trip to Cornwall last year.Cornwall is probably one of my most favourite places in the world, after the giant ASDA at Hunts Cross and the South Parkway bus station. I was introduced to Cornwall at as a youngster on family holidays and have always felt an affinity with the rugged scenic landscape, the majestic cliffs of Land's End and the huge volumes of cornish pasties,cream teas and novelty confectionary items which are so readily available. Luckily, Diet Coke is also available on demand in the region of Cornwall, so it really is a place that offers most marvellous value for money in terms of holiday experience.On this particular trip to Cornwall, I did many varied and exciting things. I ate a cornish pastie within an hour of arrival. I discovered 4 charity shops which sold a much better class of rubbish than in Liverpool. I visited the Tate Modern in St.Ives and walked out after 5 minutes because all the art was pretentious crap. I went to the Eden project and enjoyed having my photo taken next to a giant model bumble bee. I went into the tropical dome and stormed out after 10 seconds because it was too hot and my hair was threatening to go frizzy. I couldn't believe that with all the money they had spent constructing the project, they had not thought to put air con in the tropical dome. I went to Penzance and bought some pink shoes. I also sent 9 postcards in the shape of a cornish pastie.
It was a great trip. Another holiday that stands out is the trip to New York I took with Jeni in 1999. This trip was a fantastic voyage of discovery, where I learned so many things including the fact that Jeni has no sense of direction whatsoever. You wouldn't think it was possible to confuse 'uptown' and 'downtown', however she managed it on an almost daily basis. Although it could be said we are both a gigantic pair of whoppers because we spent all week looking for the Empire State Building and then found out we could see it out of our hotel window. My personal highlight of the trip was discovering a giant Sephora make up shop on Broadway. I spent over $100 dollars on items to improve my outward visage and it can only be described as the closest thing to heaven without actually dying.
Heading further back into the past I can pull out a trip to Paris,also with Jeni, as being one of my favourites. This trip was arranged through the Liverpool Echo which was a mistake as we spent 15 hours on an 'Ogden's' coach getting motorway madness before we arrived in the city of light. Then when we got off the coach, our bodies were stuck in the shape of the seats for 2 days. There are so many highlights of this trip, but I think I speak for both of us when I say the best has to be asking directions to the Eiffel Tower, in french, when we were stood underneath it!!! Mon hilarious,oui?
In 1995, I ventured to Cyprus on a family holiday and this stands out as the only time I can recall in life where I had a fully tanned body. Mostly, in our British climate I can only ever achieve a slight redness of the skin and if I really hammer it, the back of my neck goes brown. However, Cyprus gave me a deep conker colour which I beefed up as much as possible towards the end by applying factor nothing sun oil. Cyprus was a time of wild abandon as I had just been dumped by a rogue who had declared he was in love with not I, but his best friend's girlfriend. So I visited the birthplace of Aphrodite footloose and fancy free and attracted much welcome and much unwelcome attention. Once I had sorted out which attention was welcome and which wasn't, I ended up with a boyfriend who was in the Army over there. It was all very romantic at first and we exchanged many letters when I got back. That was until I realised I was too high maintenance to have a boyfriend 3000 miles away. Plus, he confessed one day that he had eaten a penguin on manouvres in the Falkland Isles. These two factors caused the ultimate demise of the relationship.
So that's the highlights of some of the holidays I have taken in my life. I do hope you have enjoyed this trip down memory lane with me and I look forward to receiving my next essay title.
Monday, 16 June 2008
Laura and the Big Brother essay
My dear friend Jan from the West Midlands network has set me a delightfully provocative essay which I simply could not resist. Here for your delectation is the said literary tome:
'Big Brother - what is missing in our lives that we have to constantly watch other people's lives on the television and could that element of our lives that is lacking be better replaced by Diet Coke?' Discuss.
It is most rare and satisfying for an essay writer to come across a title which juxtaposes two of the most important things in life - Big Brother and Diet Coke. Without further delay I will begin my argument, which is founded using a sociological approach with undertones of psychological evaluation.I can tell you what is missing in our lives - everything. Why would we want to sit at home observing our own boring and meaningless existences, when we could turn on the goggle box and watch a load of freaks and wannabes electrocuting each other?
If one analyses the component parts of Big Brother - glamour,fame,excitement,incredulity,conflict,developing relationships,fit people walking around in beachwear/underwear,bitching,bizarre characters and the chance to see human life forms having rude encounters in the swimming pool, it can clearly be seen that this is far preferable to sitting in ones own living room living ones own life.
If one analyses the component parts of one's own life -work,sleep,shopping,cooking,washing,hoovering,being skint,crap weather and high property prices, it becomes even more obvious why one would turn to the google box for welcome escape.
It is an interesting suggestion that Diet Coke be used to fill the gaping spiritual hole in the human existence. Indeed, it can often be a very effective way of providing temporary medicinal relief from the trauma and pain of everyday living. But to suggest it be implemented as a tool above the watching of Big Brother is asking too much of a humble carbonated diet beverage.
The answer, it would seem is to combine the two forces of Big Brother and Diet Coke to create one immoveable and concrete support system for a life that can often seem pointless at best.If every household in the land took this on board, I believe it would revolutionise society. Instead of attempting to live faux cultured lives by reading books,listening to the radio, or horror of horros, 'talking' to people in the room, we can all be united in our vicarious appreciation of the Big Brother contestants experiences.
This would also put an end to those dreadful 'water cooler' moments when you hear a person ask:
'Did you watch Big Brother last night?' and the other person replies,
'No'.
If we all watched it, we could all talk about it at work the next day without feeling like some sort of sad loser. It would help us bond and break down barriers that keep us isolated and alone.
So, in conclusion it would seem that there are many ragged holes in our quest to achieve self actualisation, which could be filled with constant viewing of Big Brother. Diet Coke should not be used as a stand alone method of sating this void and instead, a welcome combination of the two could help our society right itself from this recession of the soul.
'Big Brother - what is missing in our lives that we have to constantly watch other people's lives on the television and could that element of our lives that is lacking be better replaced by Diet Coke?' Discuss.
It is most rare and satisfying for an essay writer to come across a title which juxtaposes two of the most important things in life - Big Brother and Diet Coke. Without further delay I will begin my argument, which is founded using a sociological approach with undertones of psychological evaluation.I can tell you what is missing in our lives - everything. Why would we want to sit at home observing our own boring and meaningless existences, when we could turn on the goggle box and watch a load of freaks and wannabes electrocuting each other?
If one analyses the component parts of Big Brother - glamour,fame,excitement,incredulity,conflict,developing relationships,fit people walking around in beachwear/underwear,bitching,bizarre characters and the chance to see human life forms having rude encounters in the swimming pool, it can clearly be seen that this is far preferable to sitting in ones own living room living ones own life.
If one analyses the component parts of one's own life -work,sleep,shopping,cooking,washing,hoovering,being skint,crap weather and high property prices, it becomes even more obvious why one would turn to the google box for welcome escape.
It is an interesting suggestion that Diet Coke be used to fill the gaping spiritual hole in the human existence. Indeed, it can often be a very effective way of providing temporary medicinal relief from the trauma and pain of everyday living. But to suggest it be implemented as a tool above the watching of Big Brother is asking too much of a humble carbonated diet beverage.
The answer, it would seem is to combine the two forces of Big Brother and Diet Coke to create one immoveable and concrete support system for a life that can often seem pointless at best.If every household in the land took this on board, I believe it would revolutionise society. Instead of attempting to live faux cultured lives by reading books,listening to the radio, or horror of horros, 'talking' to people in the room, we can all be united in our vicarious appreciation of the Big Brother contestants experiences.
This would also put an end to those dreadful 'water cooler' moments when you hear a person ask:
'Did you watch Big Brother last night?' and the other person replies,
'No'.
If we all watched it, we could all talk about it at work the next day without feeling like some sort of sad loser. It would help us bond and break down barriers that keep us isolated and alone.
So, in conclusion it would seem that there are many ragged holes in our quest to achieve self actualisation, which could be filled with constant viewing of Big Brother. Diet Coke should not be used as a stand alone method of sating this void and instead, a welcome combination of the two could help our society right itself from this recession of the soul.
Laura and the shopping essay
Nothing has happened in my duller than dull life, so I have written another essay. Thank goodness Jeni is always on hand to provide me with interesting and thought provoking titles. Here is my latest offering:
'There are several approaches a modern woman may take to manage shopping and the environment. Evaluate 2 approaches, highlighting the pros and cons of each'.
This is an extremely thought provoking subject which I will attempt to evaluate using a scientific model, qualitative and quantitative research and my own well founded opinion.Indeed there are many approaches a modern woman may take to manage shopping and the environment. The first and most significant in my book, is to utilise the function of the charity shop or ‘chazza’ as I like to refer to them. Shopping for second hand clothes is extremely environmentally friendly and pays homage to the great need for recycling and sustainable development I learned about doing Jeni’s last essay. No world resources are used in the production of chazza clothes, as they simply arrive at the shop in bin bags already made. They are usually much cheaper than high street bought items too, which cuts down on the energy used getting in a sweat about the price. Also, chazza shops do not take ‘chip and pin’, which cuts down on electricity used to plug in these machines.
However, there are negative aspects to this kind of shopping. Although great for the environment, certain factors about chazza clothes cannot be ignored. Depending on the shop visited, the items can sometimes whiff quite badly and sometimes they are prone to rips, tears and flaws which are not always obvious until you get home. There is also a high chance you will find a great piece, but in the wrong size and then end up in a massive dilemma about whether you can really squash your size 14 ass into a pair of size 10 kex. It is also often difficult to try on chazza clothes before purchase. There is usually only one changing room which is often in the middle of the shop and is poorly sectioned off, with an ill hung curtain which does not pull all the way across and only comes down to your knees. It is a brave soul who will strip down to their undercrackers in these kinds of trying situations. My penultimate point about the negative aspects of chazzas is that a modern woman who shops here has to put up with pensioner conversation as they choose their garments. It cannot be ignored that most people who work in chazzas are close to pushing up daisies and have a pressing need to tell the world about their recent operation or attendance at the funeral of a close friend. Sometimes the health complaints are described so graphically that one feels they are actually in the operating theatre, passing a scalpel over to the doctor as he prepares to cut out a dodgy hip joint. To finish, I must state that chazza shopping is behind the times in many ways and has not responded to market forces. By this I mean that you can now get brand new items of clothing in the Primark for the same price as chazza clobber and so to 'undercut' the competition the chazzas should really lower their prices further, to attract more custom.
My second point about how a modern woman may manage shopping and the environment is to make clothes oneself. This creates the dual function of allowing the modern woman many new items of exciting garb, without putting further strain on the 3rd World sweat shops. It also encourages creativity and deft fingers and stops the modern woman from becoming bored in the home and causing trouble. However, there are many negative aspects to this method of shopping and environment management. Making clothes at home requires some degree of skill and mastery in the area of sewing. If one is not completely proficient in these skills then chaos can break out. I once attempted to make a skirt and was completely bamboozled by the process of putting a zip in it so I didn’t bother. This led to me going around looking like a meff with my unprofessionally finished skirt. This problem can sometimes be avoided if one has creative friends who are better than you at sewing. In fact I have had a couple of really great skirts made for me by Sarah. However, once back in the mists of time, another friend and I were so desperate for new skirts, we chopped up her baby daughters quilt cover. Whether this amounts to child abuse I do not know and despite the fact we ended up with very fashionable lower body wear, I cannot recommend this as a sensible action.
In conclusion, it would seem that the methods I have listed in order for the modern woman to manage shopping and the environment, have both their pros and cons. It is difficult to ascertain if either should be recommended or prioritised in any way. Ideally, one would have enough money so that one could buy those ‘organic’ type clothes which are touted as the best way of being environmentally conscious. But until I manage to earn more either by promotion or developing the confidence to become a prostitute, I think the best thing is just to carry on shopping at Primark.
'There are several approaches a modern woman may take to manage shopping and the environment. Evaluate 2 approaches, highlighting the pros and cons of each'.
This is an extremely thought provoking subject which I will attempt to evaluate using a scientific model, qualitative and quantitative research and my own well founded opinion.Indeed there are many approaches a modern woman may take to manage shopping and the environment. The first and most significant in my book, is to utilise the function of the charity shop or ‘chazza’ as I like to refer to them. Shopping for second hand clothes is extremely environmentally friendly and pays homage to the great need for recycling and sustainable development I learned about doing Jeni’s last essay. No world resources are used in the production of chazza clothes, as they simply arrive at the shop in bin bags already made. They are usually much cheaper than high street bought items too, which cuts down on the energy used getting in a sweat about the price. Also, chazza shops do not take ‘chip and pin’, which cuts down on electricity used to plug in these machines.
However, there are negative aspects to this kind of shopping. Although great for the environment, certain factors about chazza clothes cannot be ignored. Depending on the shop visited, the items can sometimes whiff quite badly and sometimes they are prone to rips, tears and flaws which are not always obvious until you get home. There is also a high chance you will find a great piece, but in the wrong size and then end up in a massive dilemma about whether you can really squash your size 14 ass into a pair of size 10 kex. It is also often difficult to try on chazza clothes before purchase. There is usually only one changing room which is often in the middle of the shop and is poorly sectioned off, with an ill hung curtain which does not pull all the way across and only comes down to your knees. It is a brave soul who will strip down to their undercrackers in these kinds of trying situations. My penultimate point about the negative aspects of chazzas is that a modern woman who shops here has to put up with pensioner conversation as they choose their garments. It cannot be ignored that most people who work in chazzas are close to pushing up daisies and have a pressing need to tell the world about their recent operation or attendance at the funeral of a close friend. Sometimes the health complaints are described so graphically that one feels they are actually in the operating theatre, passing a scalpel over to the doctor as he prepares to cut out a dodgy hip joint. To finish, I must state that chazza shopping is behind the times in many ways and has not responded to market forces. By this I mean that you can now get brand new items of clothing in the Primark for the same price as chazza clobber and so to 'undercut' the competition the chazzas should really lower their prices further, to attract more custom.
My second point about how a modern woman may manage shopping and the environment is to make clothes oneself. This creates the dual function of allowing the modern woman many new items of exciting garb, without putting further strain on the 3rd World sweat shops. It also encourages creativity and deft fingers and stops the modern woman from becoming bored in the home and causing trouble. However, there are many negative aspects to this method of shopping and environment management. Making clothes at home requires some degree of skill and mastery in the area of sewing. If one is not completely proficient in these skills then chaos can break out. I once attempted to make a skirt and was completely bamboozled by the process of putting a zip in it so I didn’t bother. This led to me going around looking like a meff with my unprofessionally finished skirt. This problem can sometimes be avoided if one has creative friends who are better than you at sewing. In fact I have had a couple of really great skirts made for me by Sarah. However, once back in the mists of time, another friend and I were so desperate for new skirts, we chopped up her baby daughters quilt cover. Whether this amounts to child abuse I do not know and despite the fact we ended up with very fashionable lower body wear, I cannot recommend this as a sensible action.
In conclusion, it would seem that the methods I have listed in order for the modern woman to manage shopping and the environment, have both their pros and cons. It is difficult to ascertain if either should be recommended or prioritised in any way. Ideally, one would have enough money so that one could buy those ‘organic’ type clothes which are touted as the best way of being environmentally conscious. But until I manage to earn more either by promotion or developing the confidence to become a prostitute, I think the best thing is just to carry on shopping at Primark.
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
Laura and the sustainable development essay
I am off sick from work and bored out of my tiny mind. To keep me out of trouble, Jeni has set me another essay. For your viewing pleasure,I present to you the said essay:
'Sustainable Development is more important than Diet Coke'. Discuss.
During this essay I will be examining the controversial statement that sustainable development is more important than diet coke. For your comfort and enjoyment, I will examine the evidence and present an unbiased and logical conclusion.
Firstly, it would seem an obvious point that diet coke is more important because it is more widely recognised. Although having some basic knowledge of sustainable development, I was not privy to a full definition of exactly what it entailed and had to ‘Google’ it to be sure of its full ramifications. And I have been to University and consider myself to be about 7 out of 10 on the intelligence scale. It can be suggested that while the world knows in full detail what diet coke is, the same can not be said for sustainable development. I bet if you went up to anyone in the street and said ‘what’s sustainable development?’ you would get more than a few quizzical looks. But if you asked ‘what’s diet coke?’, you would receive many answers, ranging from ‘a great fat free fizzy beverage that lends itself well to all of life’s ups and downs’ to ‘the elixir of life’.
So now that we have established that diet coke is more widely recognised and has a much higher profile, its importance cannot be underestimated.Sustainable development information states that we are using up the worlds resources too quickly and not providing the means for future generations to meet their own needs. Apparently we are putting stress on the environmental systems of water, land and air through actions such as chopping rainforests down and doing too much fishing. Government guidelines state there is much we can do as individuals to lessen the burden on our planet.While diet coke enjoys such a high profile, it could then be used in this global predicament and instead of competing for the ‘top spot’ of being the most important, could actually be used to support sustainable development. World Leaders could do well do enforce hourly ‘diet coke breaks’ for forest choppers and fishermen, where they had to down tools and go and ogle members of the opposite sex doing menial tasks like on the telly. The breaks could last for up to 20 minutes, thus reducing the amount of trees felled and fish removed from the ocean.
We are advised that there are many things we can do in the home to support sustainable development. Do not waste energy, we are advised. Recycle everything, the guidelines state. But if only people recognised how important diet coke is, many of these actions would happen automatically. The more cans of coke a person brings into their house, the more that person will have to sit down and drink them. People waste energy all the time rushing around doing household chores, using the washing machine and cooker when they could be having a nice sit down and a few cans. Plus, diet coke cans are perfect for recycling and so the more you drink, the more recycling you will be able to offer to the environment.
Sustainable development is all about preserving the water supply, of which we are using too much. It seems like childish folly to put the preservation of the water supply above diet coke when the answer is obvious. If more people drank diet coke, this would lessen the burden on the world’s water supply. A typical can of diet coke is only 80% water whereas a glass of water from the tap is 100% water, so you do the math. An even better solution would be to get diet coke to come out of the taps, which is something I have been campaigning for over the last year.
In conclusion, it would seem that undoubtedly, sustainable development is not more important than diet coke. If one analyses the evidence objectively, it can be seen that diet coke is the definite winner in this war and in fact could offer many solutions to the quandaries of sustainable development. In fact, I would go as far as arguing that diet coke is more important than most things in the world, but that’s another essay.
'Sustainable Development is more important than Diet Coke'. Discuss.
During this essay I will be examining the controversial statement that sustainable development is more important than diet coke. For your comfort and enjoyment, I will examine the evidence and present an unbiased and logical conclusion.
Firstly, it would seem an obvious point that diet coke is more important because it is more widely recognised. Although having some basic knowledge of sustainable development, I was not privy to a full definition of exactly what it entailed and had to ‘Google’ it to be sure of its full ramifications. And I have been to University and consider myself to be about 7 out of 10 on the intelligence scale. It can be suggested that while the world knows in full detail what diet coke is, the same can not be said for sustainable development. I bet if you went up to anyone in the street and said ‘what’s sustainable development?’ you would get more than a few quizzical looks. But if you asked ‘what’s diet coke?’, you would receive many answers, ranging from ‘a great fat free fizzy beverage that lends itself well to all of life’s ups and downs’ to ‘the elixir of life’.
So now that we have established that diet coke is more widely recognised and has a much higher profile, its importance cannot be underestimated.Sustainable development information states that we are using up the worlds resources too quickly and not providing the means for future generations to meet their own needs. Apparently we are putting stress on the environmental systems of water, land and air through actions such as chopping rainforests down and doing too much fishing. Government guidelines state there is much we can do as individuals to lessen the burden on our planet.While diet coke enjoys such a high profile, it could then be used in this global predicament and instead of competing for the ‘top spot’ of being the most important, could actually be used to support sustainable development. World Leaders could do well do enforce hourly ‘diet coke breaks’ for forest choppers and fishermen, where they had to down tools and go and ogle members of the opposite sex doing menial tasks like on the telly. The breaks could last for up to 20 minutes, thus reducing the amount of trees felled and fish removed from the ocean.
We are advised that there are many things we can do in the home to support sustainable development. Do not waste energy, we are advised. Recycle everything, the guidelines state. But if only people recognised how important diet coke is, many of these actions would happen automatically. The more cans of coke a person brings into their house, the more that person will have to sit down and drink them. People waste energy all the time rushing around doing household chores, using the washing machine and cooker when they could be having a nice sit down and a few cans. Plus, diet coke cans are perfect for recycling and so the more you drink, the more recycling you will be able to offer to the environment.
Sustainable development is all about preserving the water supply, of which we are using too much. It seems like childish folly to put the preservation of the water supply above diet coke when the answer is obvious. If more people drank diet coke, this would lessen the burden on the world’s water supply. A typical can of diet coke is only 80% water whereas a glass of water from the tap is 100% water, so you do the math. An even better solution would be to get diet coke to come out of the taps, which is something I have been campaigning for over the last year.
In conclusion, it would seem that undoubtedly, sustainable development is not more important than diet coke. If one analyses the evidence objectively, it can be seen that diet coke is the definite winner in this war and in fact could offer many solutions to the quandaries of sustainable development. In fact, I would go as far as arguing that diet coke is more important than most things in the world, but that’s another essay.
Laura and the stuff from the past part 2
I have found yet more hilarious stuff from the past. A half finished short story which in my own considered literary opinion, borders on either genuis or madness. I would like to believe it is the former, but if anyone believes it is the latter, please keep it to yourself.
'Tuesday's Child'
Tuesday Ford got up one Thursday morning and realised she was bored. She had been bored for some considerable time now in her job as a shop assistant. The shop was reputable and her co-workers pleasant enough, but she found the tasks she was assigned to do tedious to say the least. Only last week she had been told to clean the packaging on the new arrival of Papermate pens and as she wiped and polished, she began to ask herself if this was all there was to life.
Tuesday was a bright girl, having graduated from college with a BA in Turf Management. She had expected a rosy and fulfilling future for herself, developing new and exciting ranges of grass species that could withstand even the most strenous of football games. However, 18 months on the dole had left her disillusioned and on a whim she had applied for this job, thinking it would tide her over until she either won the lottery or developed the confidence to become a prostitute. Tuesday was certain that these things were more likely to happen than the job she had gone to college hoping for.
On this particular Thursday, Tuesday decided she was so bored she simply could not face another day in the abyss of monotony that was life in a department store. She decided to do something which was quite out of character, something which she had been fantasising about for some time.Tuesday decided she would live her life on the edge. She wanted excitement like she had seen in the movies, she wanted danger, thrills, glamour and fame. She did not want mundane chores and fat little bosses ordering her to nip over to the shop for bacon and egg toasties and 20 silk cut.As she allowed her imagination to roam feely to its outer hemispheres, a huge grin appeared on her normally reserved features. Tuesday was not a person to do things by halves. She had been restrained for too long and all her energy concentrated in one direction, the wrong direction.
Packing a few essential items, such as a small colony of turf she had been cultivating on her window ledge and several pairs of clean knickers, she waltzed out of her flat and shut the door for the last time.Tuesday was on a mission to America, to the space centre at Houston, Texas. In her mind, she had it all planned. She would become an astronaut and conduct experiments into the growth of artificial grass blades in outer space. As far as she was aware, there was no grass on the moon, or any of the planets in the Milky Way. Science, it seemed, had missed this area of research and as far as Tuesday was concerned, this represented a definite gap in the job market. She was sure her CV,printed out on her Dad's 'Microsoft' computer in Times New Roman font would impress the officials at the space exploration program. As for becoming an astronaut, she felt she could cope with the lack of air. She had once won an underwater swimming competition when she was seven and had held her breath for a full eight minutes.She could easily see her name and photo in the next issue of 'New Scientist' and its accompanying headline:
'Tuesday's Child is full of grass - on the moon!'
As far as Tuesday could see, people were practically living on the moon anyway. Soon these people would require shopping malls and football pitches. Houses would be built, all requiring grass verges. Her future was certain. It would be good for her to leave a planet thay was just ending, for one that was just beginning.
The End, so far.
If anyone has any suggestions about how I could develop this story further I would be most interested to hear them. I feel it is not far from completion and I would like to get it sent off to 'Take a Break' asap. I can imagine its readers enjoying this story over a nice mid morning cuppa.
'Tuesday's Child'
Tuesday Ford got up one Thursday morning and realised she was bored. She had been bored for some considerable time now in her job as a shop assistant. The shop was reputable and her co-workers pleasant enough, but she found the tasks she was assigned to do tedious to say the least. Only last week she had been told to clean the packaging on the new arrival of Papermate pens and as she wiped and polished, she began to ask herself if this was all there was to life.
Tuesday was a bright girl, having graduated from college with a BA in Turf Management. She had expected a rosy and fulfilling future for herself, developing new and exciting ranges of grass species that could withstand even the most strenous of football games. However, 18 months on the dole had left her disillusioned and on a whim she had applied for this job, thinking it would tide her over until she either won the lottery or developed the confidence to become a prostitute. Tuesday was certain that these things were more likely to happen than the job she had gone to college hoping for.
On this particular Thursday, Tuesday decided she was so bored she simply could not face another day in the abyss of monotony that was life in a department store. She decided to do something which was quite out of character, something which she had been fantasising about for some time.Tuesday decided she would live her life on the edge. She wanted excitement like she had seen in the movies, she wanted danger, thrills, glamour and fame. She did not want mundane chores and fat little bosses ordering her to nip over to the shop for bacon and egg toasties and 20 silk cut.As she allowed her imagination to roam feely to its outer hemispheres, a huge grin appeared on her normally reserved features. Tuesday was not a person to do things by halves. She had been restrained for too long and all her energy concentrated in one direction, the wrong direction.
Packing a few essential items, such as a small colony of turf she had been cultivating on her window ledge and several pairs of clean knickers, she waltzed out of her flat and shut the door for the last time.Tuesday was on a mission to America, to the space centre at Houston, Texas. In her mind, she had it all planned. She would become an astronaut and conduct experiments into the growth of artificial grass blades in outer space. As far as she was aware, there was no grass on the moon, or any of the planets in the Milky Way. Science, it seemed, had missed this area of research and as far as Tuesday was concerned, this represented a definite gap in the job market. She was sure her CV,printed out on her Dad's 'Microsoft' computer in Times New Roman font would impress the officials at the space exploration program. As for becoming an astronaut, she felt she could cope with the lack of air. She had once won an underwater swimming competition when she was seven and had held her breath for a full eight minutes.She could easily see her name and photo in the next issue of 'New Scientist' and its accompanying headline:
'Tuesday's Child is full of grass - on the moon!'
As far as Tuesday could see, people were practically living on the moon anyway. Soon these people would require shopping malls and football pitches. Houses would be built, all requiring grass verges. Her future was certain. It would be good for her to leave a planet thay was just ending, for one that was just beginning.
The End, so far.
If anyone has any suggestions about how I could develop this story further I would be most interested to hear them. I feel it is not far from completion and I would like to get it sent off to 'Take a Break' asap. I can imagine its readers enjoying this story over a nice mid morning cuppa.
Sunday, 8 June 2008
Laura and the stuff from the past
I couldn't sleep the other night so I decided to look through a box of stuff from the past. I found the most hilarious essay that I wrote in 1997, which surprisingly enough had nothing to do with any college course or other academic assignment.
It appears that my friend Jeni 'set' me this essay for some reason. Perhaps it was because we were both bored, or maybe it was to keep me out of trouble while she carried out some sort of household task. Anyway, for your comfort and enjoyment, I have decided to share the essay with you. The title is as follows:
'If everyone in the world had nice underwear,there would be no wars,plague or famine. Discuss.'
My first point about the above statement is that it is so true. I always wear decent smalls and I never have the inclination to start a war,catch a plague or go hungry.In Bosnia and poorer countries, it is a well known fact that they can't afford nice underwear and there is lots of war and famine. Plus, if Margaret Thatcher had owned decent lingerie, there would have been no need for the miners strike in 1983.
When England won the World Cup in 1966, it was obvious they had done so by wearing stylish red socks. Socks are not strictly undewear but they are usually sold in the same part of the shop as knickers, bras and boxies.Before her death, Princess Diana was an active campaigner. She favoured National Health schemes to make the ownership of sexy and provocative undewear a reality for the man/woman on the street. In fact, she combined her beliefs with those of her desire to ban landmines. She evoked great media attention and support with her campaign to fight landmines by promoting her designer underwear range. Everytime someone tried to plant a landmine, she would thrust a pair of skimpy briefs in their faces. This had the effect of distracting them and making them realise that if they wore nice undewear they would not be interested in landmines.
After her death, everyone in Bosnia wore nice undewear for a day as a mark of respect. Mother Teresa however did not,because she knew her ancient wrinkly body would not set off attractive smalls to their best advantage. Because she was pissed about this, she made it known that it was her that planted lots of landmines in Bosnia and Calcutta.
It is not only wearing nasty, grey, baggy, faded, giant, rancid briefs that causes the world problems with war,plague and famine. Wearing no undewear at all can be just as bad and 'going commando', that innocent sounding phrase actually evokes many brutal images of weaponry and battle. This then makes people want to cause aggro on a grand scale as they feel the wind tickle their nudey bits.
It is such an important issue that a national helpline has been set up to stop people instigating World War 3 because they are in possession of inadequate undergarments. The evidence to support such a claim can be found littered through the history text books. Scientists have revealed that Hitler caused so much trouble because he was forced to wear boxer shorts from Ethel Austin during his formative adolescent years.
In conclusion, it would seem that the world would be a much nicer place if only people realised that having nice undewear is as essential as stopping the penguins from eating the polar ice caps. Just look at the global destruction that is going on. It has to be the people's choice to get down to M+S for some saucy undercrackers. The future of our planet depends upon it, otherwise it will disappear up its own puckered sphincter. And this issue is so 'now', so relevant to the moment.
The End.
If only I had put this much effort into my degree.
If anyone else would like to set me an essay, feel free. List your titles and I will give it to the end of next week and pick the best one. The winners essay will then be written and posted for your collective comfort and enjoyment.
It appears that my friend Jeni 'set' me this essay for some reason. Perhaps it was because we were both bored, or maybe it was to keep me out of trouble while she carried out some sort of household task. Anyway, for your comfort and enjoyment, I have decided to share the essay with you. The title is as follows:
'If everyone in the world had nice underwear,there would be no wars,plague or famine. Discuss.'
My first point about the above statement is that it is so true. I always wear decent smalls and I never have the inclination to start a war,catch a plague or go hungry.In Bosnia and poorer countries, it is a well known fact that they can't afford nice underwear and there is lots of war and famine. Plus, if Margaret Thatcher had owned decent lingerie, there would have been no need for the miners strike in 1983.
When England won the World Cup in 1966, it was obvious they had done so by wearing stylish red socks. Socks are not strictly undewear but they are usually sold in the same part of the shop as knickers, bras and boxies.Before her death, Princess Diana was an active campaigner. She favoured National Health schemes to make the ownership of sexy and provocative undewear a reality for the man/woman on the street. In fact, she combined her beliefs with those of her desire to ban landmines. She evoked great media attention and support with her campaign to fight landmines by promoting her designer underwear range. Everytime someone tried to plant a landmine, she would thrust a pair of skimpy briefs in their faces. This had the effect of distracting them and making them realise that if they wore nice undewear they would not be interested in landmines.
After her death, everyone in Bosnia wore nice undewear for a day as a mark of respect. Mother Teresa however did not,because she knew her ancient wrinkly body would not set off attractive smalls to their best advantage. Because she was pissed about this, she made it known that it was her that planted lots of landmines in Bosnia and Calcutta.
It is not only wearing nasty, grey, baggy, faded, giant, rancid briefs that causes the world problems with war,plague and famine. Wearing no undewear at all can be just as bad and 'going commando', that innocent sounding phrase actually evokes many brutal images of weaponry and battle. This then makes people want to cause aggro on a grand scale as they feel the wind tickle their nudey bits.
It is such an important issue that a national helpline has been set up to stop people instigating World War 3 because they are in possession of inadequate undergarments. The evidence to support such a claim can be found littered through the history text books. Scientists have revealed that Hitler caused so much trouble because he was forced to wear boxer shorts from Ethel Austin during his formative adolescent years.
In conclusion, it would seem that the world would be a much nicer place if only people realised that having nice undewear is as essential as stopping the penguins from eating the polar ice caps. Just look at the global destruction that is going on. It has to be the people's choice to get down to M+S for some saucy undercrackers. The future of our planet depends upon it, otherwise it will disappear up its own puckered sphincter. And this issue is so 'now', so relevant to the moment.
The End.
If only I had put this much effort into my degree.
If anyone else would like to set me an essay, feel free. List your titles and I will give it to the end of next week and pick the best one. The winners essay will then be written and posted for your collective comfort and enjoyment.
Laura and the ants
Yesterday I noticed that the kitchen area of my home had become infested with ants. They were marauding around like they owned the place and seemed particularly taken with the doorway which connects the kitchen to the living room.I was not in the mood to deal with a colony of ants so I shouted Alan.
'I can't deal with these ants on top of everything else that life has thrown at me' I expectorated.
Alan instructed me to fetch a chair and then set about trying to establish the vantage point at which the ants were entering the premises. It was more difficult than it seemed as they were not congregated in any one area.I had no patience to deal with the issue so I fetched a roll of sellotape and then began taping up every hole and crack within a mile radius of where the first ants had been sighted.During this Jan texted and demanded a photo of the ants. She declared that as it was her birthday, I had to oblige with this request. So, I managed to squash one in order to take its picture and then I sellotaped it to the doorway as a warning to all its friends about what could happen if this behaviour continued.Jan liked the ant picture, although the resolution of the image sent down the phone was not as clear as I would have liked.This led to her questioning whether the photo was of an ant or a sultana.I do not enjoy the company of sultanas though and would certainly never entertain them in the house.
Once the vast majority of my kitchen had been taped up, Alan and I settled down for a session of uneasy goggle box viewing. Alan took it upon himself to conduct hourly 'ant patrols' in which he would assess numbers of ants and squash any new residents with kitchen towel.We had some debate when he suggested that one he had seen scurrying around was not new, but an earlier ant that had missed the first round of squashing.
'Did you recognise its face?' I asked sniggering.
By that evening the infestation seemed to have calmed somewhat. The hourly ant patrols yielded approximately 4-6 ants, which was well within a manageable range.Today, I have squashed about 6 of the creatures and I must admit I am intensely infuriated as to why I cannot find where they are coming in. I was all prepared to just ignore the problem but tonight when I was eating my tea I saw one climbing up my arm.If anyone can assist me with this difficult problem I would be most grateful.
'I can't deal with these ants on top of everything else that life has thrown at me' I expectorated.
Alan instructed me to fetch a chair and then set about trying to establish the vantage point at which the ants were entering the premises. It was more difficult than it seemed as they were not congregated in any one area.I had no patience to deal with the issue so I fetched a roll of sellotape and then began taping up every hole and crack within a mile radius of where the first ants had been sighted.During this Jan texted and demanded a photo of the ants. She declared that as it was her birthday, I had to oblige with this request. So, I managed to squash one in order to take its picture and then I sellotaped it to the doorway as a warning to all its friends about what could happen if this behaviour continued.Jan liked the ant picture, although the resolution of the image sent down the phone was not as clear as I would have liked.This led to her questioning whether the photo was of an ant or a sultana.I do not enjoy the company of sultanas though and would certainly never entertain them in the house.
Once the vast majority of my kitchen had been taped up, Alan and I settled down for a session of uneasy goggle box viewing. Alan took it upon himself to conduct hourly 'ant patrols' in which he would assess numbers of ants and squash any new residents with kitchen towel.We had some debate when he suggested that one he had seen scurrying around was not new, but an earlier ant that had missed the first round of squashing.
'Did you recognise its face?' I asked sniggering.
By that evening the infestation seemed to have calmed somewhat. The hourly ant patrols yielded approximately 4-6 ants, which was well within a manageable range.Today, I have squashed about 6 of the creatures and I must admit I am intensely infuriated as to why I cannot find where they are coming in. I was all prepared to just ignore the problem but tonight when I was eating my tea I saw one climbing up my arm.If anyone can assist me with this difficult problem I would be most grateful.
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