There has been much debate in my office recently about what kind of topic I should discuss in my next blog. Somebody actually had the audacity to suggest I write one saying diet coke was bad! I know, it's unbelievable isn't it? This could never happen, but there are plenty of drinks that are horrible, so I will start with tea and coffee.
As far as I am concerned they are both as bad as each other. They are a nasty brown colour, they stink and they are hot. I hate brown,stinky hot things and I cannot understand why people would want to introduce such a substance into their mouths.
To me, they look like a cup of hot mud and the fumes induce a near vomiting reaction. I do not understand why people need to drink these beverages constantly. There is no way you could be that thirsty that you have to have one every few hours, even in summer when it is too hot for a hot drink.The worst thing about tea and coffee is the mug. People often tend to use the same mug over and over without washing it properly, just giving it a quick rinse in between liquid mud fixes. This means that unattractive brown 'rings' build up in the mug which are impossible to scrub off.Then there is the problem of going out with someone who is an avid fan of tea and coffee. No matter how much you adore someone, it is ghastly to lean towards their face for a smooch and get a whiff of vile tea breath.I have never liked tea and coffee and according to my mum, I was given tea in my bottle as a youngster and spat it out. It was heartwarming to know I was always assured of my own mind, even as a nipper.
I was asked in my office what I did when I needed a hot drink. The answer is, I never need a hot drink. Drinks should be cold, according to manufacturers instructions. It seems I am something of a living controversy with my aversion to the heated beverage, so for all you readers who are thinking along the same lines, I can tell you that I also hate bovril,hot chocolate and herbal tea. There is never any need for a hot drink.The only exception is Lemsip, which I will indulge in at times of sickness. However, I regard this as a medicine rather than a hot drink.
To quote my dear friend Stella, the teabags in work taste like 'piss'. I would argue that they all taste like piss and sometimes like shit.
If everyone gave up tea and coffee, the world economy would right itself in an instant. We could save millions in this country if we did not buy teabags,coffee,kettles,teaspoons and mugs. We could use this money on other badly needed resources such as diet coke on the NHS, free Heat magazines to people earning less than £18,000 per annum and 'Blogger of the Year' parties.Lost working hours spent making hot beverages could be reclaimed and people could go home an hour earlier.They did not have tea and coffee in caveman times, so why have we got them now? Prehistoric man survived pretty well on water,Um Bongo jungle juice and diet coke, so I propose we go back to basics and rid our society of these terrible drinks, which in my opinion are the work of the devil.
Monday, 21 July 2008
Laura and the proof that God exists
After pondering philosophical matters in my last blog, I am inspired to continue with serious themes. The question of whether God exists has always been a hotly debated topic and I have now collated enough evidence to prove without a shadow of a doubt that he is real.
God has always expectorated that he does not need to give us proof of his existence. In fact, he said to ask for it is demonstrates a lack of faith, which then nullifies his existence. But he must have had a change of heart when I was born, as I have been blessed with many undisputed examples that he is alive, well and moving amongst us. He must have taken a shine to me and who can blame him, or perhaps he has read my blogs.
At first glance it would seem illogical to believe in something you cannot see, hear,touch, smell or taste. But the same could be said for electricity, which can most definitely be experienced by all the senses when you stick a wet finger into a plug socket. It is the same with God. You only have to stick a wet finger in the prayer socket and a jolt of proof will course through your distended veins.
For instance, I prayed recently that Big Brother would not be taken off our screens, even though there were constant examples of bullying and aggressive behaviour displayed by the contestants. It was a desperate prayer, as I knew that the show had been dogged with bad publicity since the Jade Goody racism incident and was floundering under the weight of unnaceptable viewing guidelines. God heard my prayer as I turned on my google box to find Big Brother still on. I do not agree with racism and bullying but the rest of BB is addictive in the extreme and is like Pringles, in that once you start, you can't stop.
I also prayed last night that my spot would not develop any more pus in the night and my plea was answered. It had a large red scab, but the skin was definitely healing and I could apply make up to the blemish without the risk of a nasty yellow head coming back.
Once I realised that having prayers answered was as easy as ordering groceries online, I knew I must not be selfish. I prayed for others too, so that they could share in my good fortune. I asked God for a world miracle and in response he gave us Max Factor 'Miracle Touch' foundation,which has ended the misery of an uneven complexion. Indeed it is a truly miraculous product that goes on like a dream and does not require a top coat of powder.
I also said a prayer for Britney Spears. It went something like this:'Dear God, my bezzie mate. Please give Britney the strength not to commit suicide. I know she has been through a rough time and struggles to manage her commitments of singing,motherhood and looking foxy, but suicide cannot be in her plans. Help her get back on top of her game and produce more brilliant,catchy throwaway pop songs'.
This prayer worked like a charm and within a couple of months she was back on my telly box cavorting about and singing the hit tune 'Piece of me'. So all you disbelievers out there, eat your words. Just have a go at some praying tonight and provided your wishes are not too outlandish, you may well get a pleasant surprise.
God has always expectorated that he does not need to give us proof of his existence. In fact, he said to ask for it is demonstrates a lack of faith, which then nullifies his existence. But he must have had a change of heart when I was born, as I have been blessed with many undisputed examples that he is alive, well and moving amongst us. He must have taken a shine to me and who can blame him, or perhaps he has read my blogs.
At first glance it would seem illogical to believe in something you cannot see, hear,touch, smell or taste. But the same could be said for electricity, which can most definitely be experienced by all the senses when you stick a wet finger into a plug socket. It is the same with God. You only have to stick a wet finger in the prayer socket and a jolt of proof will course through your distended veins.
For instance, I prayed recently that Big Brother would not be taken off our screens, even though there were constant examples of bullying and aggressive behaviour displayed by the contestants. It was a desperate prayer, as I knew that the show had been dogged with bad publicity since the Jade Goody racism incident and was floundering under the weight of unnaceptable viewing guidelines. God heard my prayer as I turned on my google box to find Big Brother still on. I do not agree with racism and bullying but the rest of BB is addictive in the extreme and is like Pringles, in that once you start, you can't stop.
I also prayed last night that my spot would not develop any more pus in the night and my plea was answered. It had a large red scab, but the skin was definitely healing and I could apply make up to the blemish without the risk of a nasty yellow head coming back.
Once I realised that having prayers answered was as easy as ordering groceries online, I knew I must not be selfish. I prayed for others too, so that they could share in my good fortune. I asked God for a world miracle and in response he gave us Max Factor 'Miracle Touch' foundation,which has ended the misery of an uneven complexion. Indeed it is a truly miraculous product that goes on like a dream and does not require a top coat of powder.
I also said a prayer for Britney Spears. It went something like this:'Dear God, my bezzie mate. Please give Britney the strength not to commit suicide. I know she has been through a rough time and struggles to manage her commitments of singing,motherhood and looking foxy, but suicide cannot be in her plans. Help her get back on top of her game and produce more brilliant,catchy throwaway pop songs'.
This prayer worked like a charm and within a couple of months she was back on my telly box cavorting about and singing the hit tune 'Piece of me'. So all you disbelievers out there, eat your words. Just have a go at some praying tonight and provided your wishes are not too outlandish, you may well get a pleasant surprise.
Laura and the meaning of life
I have decided to get philosophical in my blogs. It is time to discuss the really important questions in life and there seems to be nothing more important than the meaning of life.
Mankind has debated this question for centuries and yet no conclusive answer has been reached.Douglas Adams argued that it was 42 or a cup of tea with an electrode or something, but I do not agree. Cups of tea are certainly not the meaning of my life, as I believe them to be a vile and disgusting beverage which should be outlawed along with hanging and the death penalty.
A quick poll around my office revealed several answers to the meaning of life question. Answers ranged from:
'To breed and pass on our genes'
'To be happy'
'To be the best version of yourself every day'
.My own personal meaning of life is this:
'Live to your full potential and if you have any talents such as writing blogs then hammer this until people are sick of the sight of you and are ready to commit suicide from being constantly pestered to read the blogs and comment on them and think of topics for new ones. Drink diet coke aplenty as it feeds the soul and infiltrates the bone marrow with juicy creative goodness which helps the blog writing process .Don't waste your life on work when it is so easy to log onto Facebook and spread blogging joy around the globe from your desk, or 'workstation' as they say here. Always question authority and never follow rules until you are about to get arrested or fired and then just before that happens, smile sweetly and tell a funny joke and promise never to do it again. Always take a moment to brighten people's day with humour, even when it is totally inappropriate, such as when bad news is announced or when getting told off. It totally diffuses the situation and before long everyone is in a better mood. Be fashionable at all costs, it costs nothing, especially if you mix and match Primark separates; the world does not want to look at your unco-ordinated and unstylish form tramping around the streets.Give cheek wherever possible and do not discriminate upon the recipient. It builds confidence and the more you do it,the more shocked people will be and the shock often means you can get away with stuff in the interim period while the shock sinks in.Indulge yourself with the finest foodstuffs and bags of pick 'n' mix, there is plenty of time to worry about being thin when you are dead. Read lots of books ,as they inspire and shape ones existence. I do not think I would be the person I am today without Adrian Mole. Keep all your shopping lists as they make a fascinating addition to a penfriends letter. Highlight any 'multisave' offers you may have made, as these can often be overlooked.'
There are probably more meanings to my life, but this gives you a brief flavour.In terms of summing up the collective meaning of our lives, I must step back for now and gain more research. Please come forward and let me know your own personal meaning of life and I will put together a compilation statement in a later blog.
Mankind has debated this question for centuries and yet no conclusive answer has been reached.Douglas Adams argued that it was 42 or a cup of tea with an electrode or something, but I do not agree. Cups of tea are certainly not the meaning of my life, as I believe them to be a vile and disgusting beverage which should be outlawed along with hanging and the death penalty.
A quick poll around my office revealed several answers to the meaning of life question. Answers ranged from:
'To breed and pass on our genes'
'To be happy'
'To be the best version of yourself every day'
.My own personal meaning of life is this:
'Live to your full potential and if you have any talents such as writing blogs then hammer this until people are sick of the sight of you and are ready to commit suicide from being constantly pestered to read the blogs and comment on them and think of topics for new ones. Drink diet coke aplenty as it feeds the soul and infiltrates the bone marrow with juicy creative goodness which helps the blog writing process .Don't waste your life on work when it is so easy to log onto Facebook and spread blogging joy around the globe from your desk, or 'workstation' as they say here. Always question authority and never follow rules until you are about to get arrested or fired and then just before that happens, smile sweetly and tell a funny joke and promise never to do it again. Always take a moment to brighten people's day with humour, even when it is totally inappropriate, such as when bad news is announced or when getting told off. It totally diffuses the situation and before long everyone is in a better mood. Be fashionable at all costs, it costs nothing, especially if you mix and match Primark separates; the world does not want to look at your unco-ordinated and unstylish form tramping around the streets.Give cheek wherever possible and do not discriminate upon the recipient. It builds confidence and the more you do it,the more shocked people will be and the shock often means you can get away with stuff in the interim period while the shock sinks in.Indulge yourself with the finest foodstuffs and bags of pick 'n' mix, there is plenty of time to worry about being thin when you are dead. Read lots of books ,as they inspire and shape ones existence. I do not think I would be the person I am today without Adrian Mole. Keep all your shopping lists as they make a fascinating addition to a penfriends letter. Highlight any 'multisave' offers you may have made, as these can often be overlooked.'
There are probably more meanings to my life, but this gives you a brief flavour.In terms of summing up the collective meaning of our lives, I must step back for now and gain more research. Please come forward and let me know your own personal meaning of life and I will put together a compilation statement in a later blog.
Laura and the essay that black is white
I have just had a discussion with my American penpal about whether I could argue my way out of anything and everything. Naturally, I argued that I could and so to test the theory, I am going to argue that black is white. I am enjoying my new essay style of discussion and so will adopt the medium once more for this topic.
'BLACK IS WHITE' - Discuss.
At first glance it would seem that black could never be white. They appear to be two diametrically opposed conditions, like up and down, dead and alive and salt and pepper. If one were to analyse this from a purely colour based perspective then it is obvious that black is the absence of colour, wheras white is all the colours of the spectrum.How then can black be white?
Well, I will tell you and explain how black is undisputedly white. In order to fully understand this phenomenon, one must apply one's brain to the theories of quantum mechanics. Back in 1935, Einstein discussed the idea of 'synchronised atoms' and the notion that measuring the properties of one particle could instantaneously change the properties of another. This means that if you measure black it can become white. It also means that black and white are the same thing.
This was confirmed by Professor D.Mermin of Cornell University who stated,
'This is the closest thing we have to magic'.
Another popular theory purported by quantum physics is that an object or state only exists if it is observed. So depending on who is observing black or white determines the definition of its molecular make up and whether it exists or not.
'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder' - one of the most famous quotes in the universe can also be applied to the argument that black is white. If beauty is subjective, then surely colour is too? One person's black is anothers white. Who are we to impose regulations on what people have experienced through their corneal cones?
In today's society we place a high emphasis on equal opportunites and frown against discrimination based on colour. Where I work, the message is that black and white are both the same. We can also see this by examining the case of Michael Jackson, who in his long career has been both black and white at the same time.In fact, he wrote the very famous song,'Black or White', which expressed his belief that both colours were the same and that it didn't matter which you were.
One final point I will make is that if you look at a page of black type on a white page really hard and then move the book backwards and forwards really quickly, then the black and white will merge together and become the same.
In conclusion, it can be seen that black is indeed white and vice versa in some cases. If anyone else would like me to argue a seemingly improbable point, then please make your suggestion known in the comments box.
'BLACK IS WHITE' - Discuss.
At first glance it would seem that black could never be white. They appear to be two diametrically opposed conditions, like up and down, dead and alive and salt and pepper. If one were to analyse this from a purely colour based perspective then it is obvious that black is the absence of colour, wheras white is all the colours of the spectrum.How then can black be white?
Well, I will tell you and explain how black is undisputedly white. In order to fully understand this phenomenon, one must apply one's brain to the theories of quantum mechanics. Back in 1935, Einstein discussed the idea of 'synchronised atoms' and the notion that measuring the properties of one particle could instantaneously change the properties of another. This means that if you measure black it can become white. It also means that black and white are the same thing.
This was confirmed by Professor D.Mermin of Cornell University who stated,
'This is the closest thing we have to magic'.
Another popular theory purported by quantum physics is that an object or state only exists if it is observed. So depending on who is observing black or white determines the definition of its molecular make up and whether it exists or not.
'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder' - one of the most famous quotes in the universe can also be applied to the argument that black is white. If beauty is subjective, then surely colour is too? One person's black is anothers white. Who are we to impose regulations on what people have experienced through their corneal cones?
In today's society we place a high emphasis on equal opportunites and frown against discrimination based on colour. Where I work, the message is that black and white are both the same. We can also see this by examining the case of Michael Jackson, who in his long career has been both black and white at the same time.In fact, he wrote the very famous song,'Black or White', which expressed his belief that both colours were the same and that it didn't matter which you were.
One final point I will make is that if you look at a page of black type on a white page really hard and then move the book backwards and forwards really quickly, then the black and white will merge together and become the same.
In conclusion, it can be seen that black is indeed white and vice versa in some cases. If anyone else would like me to argue a seemingly improbable point, then please make your suggestion known in the comments box.
Laura and the essay on change
No-one has set me any essays for a while, so I have decided to set myself one. This title was inspired by a heated debate with Jan regarding the change in carvery prices. Settle back as I prepare to flawlessly argue my latest point.
'Change is BAD - Discuss.'
Before I launch into the main thrust of my argument, I must point out here that the kind of change I am talking about is the kind we can control. As a species, there are many things which are way out of our control, such as evolving from monkeys,getting spots and the constant threat of alien invasion.
But it seems to me, that as soon as mankind came down from the trees and stopped relying on bananas as a primary foodstuff, the need to change began to override everything,including common sense.Human carbon based life forms cannot rest unless they are changing everything around them. And it leads to all manner of untold chaos. For example, when Smarties changed their packaging, a part of my childhood died. I do not feel a packet of Smarties is complete unless it has a plastic letter on the lid. The removal of this design means that now children will be at a loss as they try to learn the alphabet in their pre-school years. Plus the new packet lid does not shut properly
.My second point about change refers to Marks and Spencers knickers. I remember the halcyon days when a pair of size 12 briefs covered everything downstairs and the elastic sat comfortably under ones rear parts. Since they changed their production supplier, I can no longer rely on their panties. A typical size 12 undercracker now has a 'low-rise' function which may be great for the young ones, but is not so good when one needs a bit of extra material to hold in ones burgeoning 30 something stomach. Plus, the fit underneath is skimpy to say the least and one needs to be prepared to deal with extreme buttock escape. I do feel very strongly that this change in knicker design is totally responsible for 'hungry bum syndrome', where one cannot stop ones backside from ravenously devouring every inch of panty fabric between its insatiable cheeks. If more stringent elastic controls were in place then we could end this distressing and unnecessary blight on the horizon of humanity.
Another example of change which is bad refers to my beloved diet coke. The original version is honest, pure and true in its unending simplicity. Why then did diet coke manufacturers have to start tampering with it and adding cherry, lime, lemon, vitamins and antioxidants? None of these favours taste as though they have had anything to do with the fruit concerned, so why bother? An inspection of the tin would reveal that the fruit taste is a chemical compound and there is nothing worse than the taste of chemicals. As for the vitamins and antioxidants, get over it already. We all know diet coke is a naughty treat,stop trying to pretend it is healthy and get your vitamins from a tablet instead.
I could go on at length about why change is bad but it seems my point is already making itself crystal clear. To sum up I will list a load more changes which mankind deems to be good, but are actually very very bad:
Moving house - super stressful and you never know if you are going to end up living next door to someone called Geoff who steals your mail.
Getting a new job - again super stressful and you never know if you are going to have to walk around looking fascinated by things that are terminally dull
Trying a new meal at the chinese takeaway - I tried a bit of Alans sweet and sour chicken the other day and it wasn't as good as my shrimp cashew nuts. If I had bought a whole sweet and sour meal I would have regretted it!
Make up - all these mineral make up foundations are garbage. Max Factor should never have stopped producing 'Sheer Perfection' which gave putty like coverage.Getting married - stay as you are and you don't have to worry if you will be one of the 1 in 2 couples that gets divorced.
I rest my case.
'Change is BAD - Discuss.'
Before I launch into the main thrust of my argument, I must point out here that the kind of change I am talking about is the kind we can control. As a species, there are many things which are way out of our control, such as evolving from monkeys,getting spots and the constant threat of alien invasion.
But it seems to me, that as soon as mankind came down from the trees and stopped relying on bananas as a primary foodstuff, the need to change began to override everything,including common sense.Human carbon based life forms cannot rest unless they are changing everything around them. And it leads to all manner of untold chaos. For example, when Smarties changed their packaging, a part of my childhood died. I do not feel a packet of Smarties is complete unless it has a plastic letter on the lid. The removal of this design means that now children will be at a loss as they try to learn the alphabet in their pre-school years. Plus the new packet lid does not shut properly
.My second point about change refers to Marks and Spencers knickers. I remember the halcyon days when a pair of size 12 briefs covered everything downstairs and the elastic sat comfortably under ones rear parts. Since they changed their production supplier, I can no longer rely on their panties. A typical size 12 undercracker now has a 'low-rise' function which may be great for the young ones, but is not so good when one needs a bit of extra material to hold in ones burgeoning 30 something stomach. Plus, the fit underneath is skimpy to say the least and one needs to be prepared to deal with extreme buttock escape. I do feel very strongly that this change in knicker design is totally responsible for 'hungry bum syndrome', where one cannot stop ones backside from ravenously devouring every inch of panty fabric between its insatiable cheeks. If more stringent elastic controls were in place then we could end this distressing and unnecessary blight on the horizon of humanity.
Another example of change which is bad refers to my beloved diet coke. The original version is honest, pure and true in its unending simplicity. Why then did diet coke manufacturers have to start tampering with it and adding cherry, lime, lemon, vitamins and antioxidants? None of these favours taste as though they have had anything to do with the fruit concerned, so why bother? An inspection of the tin would reveal that the fruit taste is a chemical compound and there is nothing worse than the taste of chemicals. As for the vitamins and antioxidants, get over it already. We all know diet coke is a naughty treat,stop trying to pretend it is healthy and get your vitamins from a tablet instead.
I could go on at length about why change is bad but it seems my point is already making itself crystal clear. To sum up I will list a load more changes which mankind deems to be good, but are actually very very bad:
Moving house - super stressful and you never know if you are going to end up living next door to someone called Geoff who steals your mail.
Getting a new job - again super stressful and you never know if you are going to have to walk around looking fascinated by things that are terminally dull
Trying a new meal at the chinese takeaway - I tried a bit of Alans sweet and sour chicken the other day and it wasn't as good as my shrimp cashew nuts. If I had bought a whole sweet and sour meal I would have regretted it!
Make up - all these mineral make up foundations are garbage. Max Factor should never have stopped producing 'Sheer Perfection' which gave putty like coverage.Getting married - stay as you are and you don't have to worry if you will be one of the 1 in 2 couples that gets divorced.
I rest my case.
Laura and the squirrels
Yesterday, Alan and I took it upon ourselves to go and visit the squirrels at Freshfield. We bought a bag of nuts and excitedly trampled through the forest in search of the bushy tailed creatures.
To our immense disappointment however, we did not see a single squirrel. This was due to the fact that they were all suffering from squirrel pox and were unavailable for comment. We were so angry that we had paid 30p for nuts and driven all that way for nothing. Alan was so incensed that he is going to write to the National Trust and complain. I honestly don't know what those squirrels were thinking of. Surely a bit of calamine lotion, applied discreetly under a bush would have rectified the problem and enabled them to greet their visitors in their usual charming and excitable manner?Our day out was ruined by this preposterous state of affairs.
We decided to proceed to the nearest drinking establishment post haste for some ales.I had a very stiff diet coke and Alan partook of a glass of wine while we contemplated our ruined day. Over a plate of hot salmon wraps and chips, I suggested we go and see the Gormley statues on Crosby beach.This idea was met with enthusiasm and so we set off in Al's red Fiat Punto. We enjoyed a pleasant walk across the marina, but after 5 seconds of looking at the (crap) statues I became insufferably bored and needed to leave. Plus, the large volumes of sand were making me very uncomfortable. I have never enjoyed the company of sand as it is such a ridiculous and messy substance. Plus, I am still traumatised from the time my feet disappeared into it as a toddler and I feared I may never see them again.
From the Gormley exhibit, we headed off to another cultural epicentre - the Morrisons supermarket in Speke. I needed to pick up some essentials. This included the following:
24 cans of diet coke
12 cans of fizzy vimto
28 packets of crisps
2 vanilla slices
Comfort fabric conditioner in 'Temptation' flavour, with new movement release technology.
And much much more.
I was pleased to note on my bill that I had saved £8.90 on multisave offers.Alan and I arrived at my chateau early evening and then we watched 4 hours of live Big Brother. Lisa was having a full facial shave in the bath. We ate our cakes and thanked the Lord we were so perfectly matched in our Saturday night entertainment expectations.
To our immense disappointment however, we did not see a single squirrel. This was due to the fact that they were all suffering from squirrel pox and were unavailable for comment. We were so angry that we had paid 30p for nuts and driven all that way for nothing. Alan was so incensed that he is going to write to the National Trust and complain. I honestly don't know what those squirrels were thinking of. Surely a bit of calamine lotion, applied discreetly under a bush would have rectified the problem and enabled them to greet their visitors in their usual charming and excitable manner?Our day out was ruined by this preposterous state of affairs.
We decided to proceed to the nearest drinking establishment post haste for some ales.I had a very stiff diet coke and Alan partook of a glass of wine while we contemplated our ruined day. Over a plate of hot salmon wraps and chips, I suggested we go and see the Gormley statues on Crosby beach.This idea was met with enthusiasm and so we set off in Al's red Fiat Punto. We enjoyed a pleasant walk across the marina, but after 5 seconds of looking at the (crap) statues I became insufferably bored and needed to leave. Plus, the large volumes of sand were making me very uncomfortable. I have never enjoyed the company of sand as it is such a ridiculous and messy substance. Plus, I am still traumatised from the time my feet disappeared into it as a toddler and I feared I may never see them again.
From the Gormley exhibit, we headed off to another cultural epicentre - the Morrisons supermarket in Speke. I needed to pick up some essentials. This included the following:
24 cans of diet coke
12 cans of fizzy vimto
28 packets of crisps
2 vanilla slices
Comfort fabric conditioner in 'Temptation' flavour, with new movement release technology.
And much much more.
I was pleased to note on my bill that I had saved £8.90 on multisave offers.Alan and I arrived at my chateau early evening and then we watched 4 hours of live Big Brother. Lisa was having a full facial shave in the bath. We ate our cakes and thanked the Lord we were so perfectly matched in our Saturday night entertainment expectations.
Laura and the carvery price change
Something very exciting and significant has happened in the world of going to the carvery. Instead of having 2 price bands, the first being £3.50 before 5pm and the second £4.50 after 5pm, there is now one standard price of £3.75 AT ANY TIME.
As people who do not like change, Alan and myself were rather startled and shocked at this alteration to our carvery pricing experience.Once the shock had finished reverberating through our unprepared systems, we were able to assess the positive and negative repercussions of such a price change.Initially, it seemed like an excellent decision on the part of the Greenhills licensed drinking establishment. Usually the routine of getting to the carvery involved Alan arriving before 5pm, purchasing the cheap tickets and then waiting for my good self to arrive at around 4.45pm. This difference in arrival time was unavoidable due to our different finish times at work.
However, due to the fact we are both victims of the 'credit crunch',we had no choice but to continue with this routine to save ourselves two full English pounds.Now, for an extra 25p each, we have the luxury of arriving at any time, together.
However, many negative factors of the price change quickly made themselves apparent.The very early evening slot was usually sparsely populated, with mainly pensioners and the odd single mum, along with our own poorly paid selves. The persons able to afford the luxury of paying £4.50 for their meal could arrive at a more leisurely evening slot. The new price change has put an end to the segregation and now everyone arrives at once, causing major chaos in the carvery serving area. When we were there last week, there was a giant queue for food that snaked all the way back towards the entrance and did not subside. Extra serving chefs were drafted in and both looked exceedingly hot and sweaty due to their extra carving duties. This is not something that one wishes to see while waiting to dine. Also, the plates of vegetables and potatoes were slow to be replenished and someone actually had to ask for a new bowl of cauliflower cheese.
Another negative factor is that our usual 'spec' was taken and we had to resort to our second favourite spec.
A full business analysis of this situation would probably reveal that the price change has attracted many new customers who had never tried carvery dining before. The nearest competition,the 'Toby' carvery on Aigburth Rd and the 'Halfway House' in Childwall are running no such marvellous offer and so the Greenhills represents the cheapest carvery eating option in the immediate neighbourhood.
It is difficult to say what the long term consequences are of the price change. It certainly will not stop Alan and I eating there, although it will probably take us some time to adapt to the new regime. I would imagine that things will settle over the next few weeks and a core of 'regular' customers will appear in the early evening slot.People who are new to the carvery may get bored with it or choose to spread themselves through the night so they are not all arriving en masse.Perhaps a screening system could be introduced, so that customers could be allowed in not on a financial, but 'means tested' basis. For instance, families could take the earlier slots so that the children could be home and put to bed in good time. Alan and I could also be allowed into this earlier slot as I like to be in my pyjamas and watching the goggle box by 8pm on a Friday. People who like to guffaw loudly over glasses of wine could take the later slots so they do not bother Alan and I.
The carvery invites us all to let us know what we think in an online survey, so I shall be posting my comments to them at the earliest available opportunity.
As people who do not like change, Alan and myself were rather startled and shocked at this alteration to our carvery pricing experience.Once the shock had finished reverberating through our unprepared systems, we were able to assess the positive and negative repercussions of such a price change.Initially, it seemed like an excellent decision on the part of the Greenhills licensed drinking establishment. Usually the routine of getting to the carvery involved Alan arriving before 5pm, purchasing the cheap tickets and then waiting for my good self to arrive at around 4.45pm. This difference in arrival time was unavoidable due to our different finish times at work.
However, due to the fact we are both victims of the 'credit crunch',we had no choice but to continue with this routine to save ourselves two full English pounds.Now, for an extra 25p each, we have the luxury of arriving at any time, together.
However, many negative factors of the price change quickly made themselves apparent.The very early evening slot was usually sparsely populated, with mainly pensioners and the odd single mum, along with our own poorly paid selves. The persons able to afford the luxury of paying £4.50 for their meal could arrive at a more leisurely evening slot. The new price change has put an end to the segregation and now everyone arrives at once, causing major chaos in the carvery serving area. When we were there last week, there was a giant queue for food that snaked all the way back towards the entrance and did not subside. Extra serving chefs were drafted in and both looked exceedingly hot and sweaty due to their extra carving duties. This is not something that one wishes to see while waiting to dine. Also, the plates of vegetables and potatoes were slow to be replenished and someone actually had to ask for a new bowl of cauliflower cheese.
Another negative factor is that our usual 'spec' was taken and we had to resort to our second favourite spec.
A full business analysis of this situation would probably reveal that the price change has attracted many new customers who had never tried carvery dining before. The nearest competition,the 'Toby' carvery on Aigburth Rd and the 'Halfway House' in Childwall are running no such marvellous offer and so the Greenhills represents the cheapest carvery eating option in the immediate neighbourhood.
It is difficult to say what the long term consequences are of the price change. It certainly will not stop Alan and I eating there, although it will probably take us some time to adapt to the new regime. I would imagine that things will settle over the next few weeks and a core of 'regular' customers will appear in the early evening slot.People who are new to the carvery may get bored with it or choose to spread themselves through the night so they are not all arriving en masse.Perhaps a screening system could be introduced, so that customers could be allowed in not on a financial, but 'means tested' basis. For instance, families could take the earlier slots so that the children could be home and put to bed in good time. Alan and I could also be allowed into this earlier slot as I like to be in my pyjamas and watching the goggle box by 8pm on a Friday. People who like to guffaw loudly over glasses of wine could take the later slots so they do not bother Alan and I.
The carvery invites us all to let us know what we think in an online survey, so I shall be posting my comments to them at the earliest available opportunity.
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