Laura and the stuff from the past

I couldn't sleep the other night so I decided to look through a box of stuff from the past. I found the most hilarious essay that I wrote in 1997, which surprisingly enough had nothing to do with any college course or other academic assignment.

It appears that my friend Jeni 'set' me this essay for some reason. Perhaps it was because we were both bored, or maybe it was to keep me out of trouble while she carried out some sort of household task. Anyway, for your comfort and enjoyment, I have decided to share the essay with you. The title is as follows:

'If everyone in the world had nice underwear,there would be no wars,plague or famine. Discuss.'

My first point about the above statement is that it is so true. I always wear decent smalls and I never have the inclination to start a war,catch a plague or go hungry.In Bosnia and poorer countries, it is a well known fact that they can't afford nice underwear and there is lots of war and famine. Plus, if Margaret Thatcher had owned decent lingerie, there would have been no need for the miners strike in 1983.

When England won the World Cup in 1966, it was obvious they had done so by wearing stylish red socks. Socks are not strictly undewear but they are usually sold in the same part of the shop as knickers, bras and boxies.Before her death, Princess Diana was an active campaigner. She favoured National Health schemes to make the ownership of sexy and provocative undewear a reality for the man/woman on the street. In fact, she combined her beliefs with those of her desire to ban landmines. She evoked great media attention and support with her campaign to fight landmines by promoting her designer underwear range. Everytime someone tried to plant a landmine, she would thrust a pair of skimpy briefs in their faces. This had the effect of distracting them and making them realise that if they wore nice undewear they would not be interested in landmines.

After her death, everyone in Bosnia wore nice undewear for a day as a mark of respect. Mother Teresa however did not,because she knew her ancient wrinkly body would not set off attractive smalls to their best advantage. Because she was pissed about this, she made it known that it was her that planted lots of landmines in Bosnia and Calcutta.

It is not only wearing nasty, grey, baggy, faded, giant, rancid briefs that causes the world problems with war,plague and famine. Wearing no undewear at all can be just as bad and 'going commando', that innocent sounding phrase actually evokes many brutal images of weaponry and battle. This then makes people want to cause aggro on a grand scale as they feel the wind tickle their nudey bits.

It is such an important issue that a national helpline has been set up to stop people instigating World War 3 because they are in possession of inadequate undergarments. The evidence to support such a claim can be found littered through the history text books. Scientists have revealed that Hitler caused so much trouble because he was forced to wear boxer shorts from Ethel Austin during his formative adolescent years.

In conclusion, it would seem that the world would be a much nicer place if only people realised that having nice undewear is as essential as stopping the penguins from eating the polar ice caps. Just look at the global destruction that is going on. It has to be the people's choice to get down to M+S for some saucy undercrackers. The future of our planet depends upon it, otherwise it will disappear up its own puckered sphincter. And this issue is so 'now', so relevant to the moment.

The End.

If only I had put this much effort into my degree.

If anyone else would like to set me an essay, feel free. List your titles and I will give it to the end of next week and pick the best one. The winners essay will then be written and posted for your collective comfort and enjoyment.