Laura and the writing competition

Since I last wrote my status has changed from 'genius as yet undiscovered', to 'genius almost discovered'. This is because I am now a finalist in a novel writing competition.I have been beavering away for years on a piece of work which I was sure would stun audiences worldwide, but due to several factors such as laziness, overflowing wash baskets and a great Virgin Media package it has proved impossible to release this work into the wild.Fate dealt me a helping hand recently when a bunch of brochures advertising the 'Writing on the Wall' festival appeared on my desk at work. Iwas most interested to read about a 'Pulp Idol' competition they were running and decided now was the time to unleash my creative talent upon the world. Although I was several days late to apply, I applied anyway and sent off 3 copies of my finely honed literary masterpiece.It seemed I was only fashionably late and last night I had to partake in a 'heat', where myself and 9 other contestants read 3 minutes of their work in front of a panel of judges and then answered a series ofquestions. For one so sure of one's bestselling novelist potential, it was alarming to discover I still had the capacity for crippling stage fright. Throughout the introductory sections of the evening I feared I would suffer several debilitating or fatal medical conditions such as heart attack, stroke, or seizure. I opted to read second, to minimise the fluctuation of my adrenaline and noradrenaline levels. The room was populated with an odd and varied assortment of carbon based life forms. There was one woman who had on a very tight t-shirt with no bra on underneath. Her nipples protruded through the thin fabric like footy studs. She complemented her revealing upper body wear with a long flowing skirt, frizzy hair and ethnic style earrings. I think sometimes you can take the writer thing 'too far' and this was mostdefinitely an occasion where this was apparent. As I took to the stage to read my marvellous missive, I called upon all my inner resources to ensure I would give the perfect lively yet deadpan reading, which would take the audience on a carefully crafted emotional arc and perhaps cause slight urinary incontinence at the funny bits.I could hear sniggers after only one line and so I proceeded with gusto and by page two I could see that people were crossing their legs and hunching over to control their burgeoning bladders. Caught up in the frenzied atmosphere, I felt a small chuckle escape from my own lips and had to issue an apology to the audience for being caught laughing at one's own jokes.The judges thanked me profusely for what they deemed to be a most enjoyable reading and then I was asked a series of questions about my writing process and background to the novel.I then sat back down to listen to the other contestants work. My anxiety reverted into low level manageable format, but then peaked again in the 'fight or flight' response as the judges collected at the end to announce the winners.Yes, my name was called and now I have to attend a final on 27th May which I believe it is my destiny to win.I can hardly concentrate at work now it has been proven that I am on a glittering pathway to success. I am devoting much mental energy to envisaging my new future as a bestselling author. I've decided to have a book signing like the one Jordan had. I will dress as wonderwoman and have clouds of glitter released upon my entrance to the WH Smiths on Church St.If anybody would like my autograph, I would advise you to get it now while it's still cheap.