Laura and the diary from 1997

Readers, I have found yet more hilarous stuff from the past. A section of a notebook that had been ripped out and used to record an account of a trip to the Lake District. It is only fair that I share this with you and so settle back as I present to you the events of 4th March 1997

.4.3.97

Today is the day that me, Jeni, Paul and Peter are going on a fantastic day out to the Lake District. I got up incredibly early today, about ten past eight. That's a.m, not p.m! The day started out with a bang when me and Jeni decided to toast the water bill. It was for the very high amount of £283.00 and it was depressing the shit out of us. Now, thank God,we won't have to pay it.

There is a funny smell in the flat at the moment. I can't be exactly sure what it is, but at a rough guess I would say it was toasted water bill.

My thoughts about the trip are as follows:

1) I am wondering primarily if we are going to be in a 10 car pile up on the M1. Perhaps our Fiat Uno will be hit side on by a Juggernaut. Maybe we will all be crushed in the wreckage and limbs may be severed. I can envisage being trapped and having to be freed by the fire brigade who will fight against time as I scream the agonising screams of imminent death.

2) If this does not happen I am looking forward to seeing some attractive scenery and loads of mountains. Mountains are a source of energy you know, although not in the same way as complex carbohydrates. You have to sit on them to reap the full benefits. That's what Marc said. And he must know because he used to play in a band.

Now I am going to move on to discuss what Jeni and I dreamt about last night. As you can see, this has particular relevance to the Lake District. I will deal with my dream first. Well, I dreamt that I woke up and my tongue was covered with painful, throbbing,pulsating, weeping mouth ulcers. I also dreamt I was desperately searching for charity shops and I couldn't find any, so I suppose this could technically be described as a nightmare. When I woke up my tongue was not covered with painful, throbbing,pulsating, weeping mouth ulcers.

Jeni had 2 dreams, one was about the scary water bill and the other also had a watery theme. She envisaged the washing machine as having 2 rather large goldfish inside. She claims that the washing machine had been specially designed to wash the fish as well as display them attractively. A Freudian analysis of these dreams would suggest that I, Laura should eat less cheese before bed. Jeni on the other hand has a subconscious involvement with her past when she used to be a fish in a washing machine.

Jeni and I are now in our kitchen waiting for the men to come and free us from this enslavement to drudgery. We are now half an hour late on our trip, as Peter who is driving the Lake District mobile has gone A.W.O.L.

Later: I am writing this in the car, which is a Leguna and not a Fiat Uno as I previously thought. Actually, I don't know why I am mentioning that as I can't tell one type of car from another. This could be a tank and I wouldn't know the difference.

It is now 12.30 and we have just stopped off at motorway services. I bought a giant flump and ate it in the Little Chef. I realised while I was doing this that I had completely lost my bearings. I mean, I knew we were in Britain because we hadn't gone through any sea, but besides this I was lost. I quickly jumped up and asked a Little Chef assistant where we were. He was very obliging and helpful and informed me we were about 6 miles from Lancaster. I thanked him effusively.

The most alarmingly surreal...

Readers, it just stops there and I have no idea why I did not finish the sentence. Luckily for you, I have a top class memory and can recall exactly what alarmingly surreal events unfolded throughout the day. So, 11 years later, I will finish this diary entry.

The most alarmingly surreal thing happened in the service station on the way home. I had spotted a children's Postman Pat ride and became determined that I would have a go on it. I put in my 20p and tried to squash my adult body into the miniscule drivers seat as the vehicle rocked back and forth. I was thwarted in my attempts and so I knelt on all fours and inserted my head into the post van. Meanwhile, Jeni attempted to capture the whole escapade on camera.As we were engaged in this pursuit, we heard raucous laughter coming from the cafe area. I looked over and was startled to see Russell Grant, of horoscopes fame enjoying the spectacle in front of him. He got up and walked over to me.

'Thanks for making my stop at this service station so entertaining!' he said.'I didn't think it was possible to have fun here'.

'With the right mental attitude, you can have fun anywhere!' I expectorated.

Russell then asked me what star sign I was and seemed surprised when I said Taurus. He expectorated that this sign did not usually engage in mad pursuits.

'I'm Aquarius rising' I expectorated. 'That's what makes me do the mad stuff.'

He seemed impressed at my knowledge of the astrological charts and as a parting shot, I asked him to give me a mention on his next television show. Whether he did or not, I do not know.And so endeth the note about the exciting and alarmingly surreal trip to the Lake District, which on reflection, did not contain any mention of the Lake District at all.