Laura and the essay on change

No-one has set me any essays for a while, so I have decided to set myself one. This title was inspired by a heated debate with Jan regarding the change in carvery prices. Settle back as I prepare to flawlessly argue my latest point.

'Change is BAD - Discuss.'

Before I launch into the main thrust of my argument, I must point out here that the kind of change I am talking about is the kind we can control. As a species, there are many things which are way out of our control, such as evolving from monkeys,getting spots and the constant threat of alien invasion.

But it seems to me, that as soon as mankind came down from the trees and stopped relying on bananas as a primary foodstuff, the need to change began to override everything,including common sense.Human carbon based life forms cannot rest unless they are changing everything around them. And it leads to all manner of untold chaos. For example, when Smarties changed their packaging, a part of my childhood died. I do not feel a packet of Smarties is complete unless it has a plastic letter on the lid. The removal of this design means that now children will be at a loss as they try to learn the alphabet in their pre-school years. Plus the new packet lid does not shut properly

.My second point about change refers to Marks and Spencers knickers. I remember the halcyon days when a pair of size 12 briefs covered everything downstairs and the elastic sat comfortably under ones rear parts. Since they changed their production supplier, I can no longer rely on their panties. A typical size 12 undercracker now has a 'low-rise' function which may be great for the young ones, but is not so good when one needs a bit of extra material to hold in ones burgeoning 30 something stomach. Plus, the fit underneath is skimpy to say the least and one needs to be prepared to deal with extreme buttock escape. I do feel very strongly that this change in knicker design is totally responsible for 'hungry bum syndrome', where one cannot stop ones backside from ravenously devouring every inch of panty fabric between its insatiable cheeks. If more stringent elastic controls were in place then we could end this distressing and unnecessary blight on the horizon of humanity.

Another example of change which is bad refers to my beloved diet coke. The original version is honest, pure and true in its unending simplicity. Why then did diet coke manufacturers have to start tampering with it and adding cherry, lime, lemon, vitamins and antioxidants? None of these favours taste as though they have had anything to do with the fruit concerned, so why bother? An inspection of the tin would reveal that the fruit taste is a chemical compound and there is nothing worse than the taste of chemicals. As for the vitamins and antioxidants, get over it already. We all know diet coke is a naughty treat,stop trying to pretend it is healthy and get your vitamins from a tablet instead.

I could go on at length about why change is bad but it seems my point is already making itself crystal clear. To sum up I will list a load more changes which mankind deems to be good, but are actually very very bad:

Moving house - super stressful and you never know if you are going to end up living next door to someone called Geoff who steals your mail.

Getting a new job - again super stressful and you never know if you are going to have to walk around looking fascinated by things that are terminally dull

Trying a new meal at the chinese takeaway - I tried a bit of Alans sweet and sour chicken the other day and it wasn't as good as my shrimp cashew nuts. If I had bought a whole sweet and sour meal I would have regretted it!

Make up - all these mineral make up foundations are garbage. Max Factor should never have stopped producing 'Sheer Perfection' which gave putty like coverage.Getting married - stay as you are and you don't have to worry if you will be one of the 1 in 2 couples that gets divorced.

I rest my case.